It’s been 48 hours since I received the call that our FET didn’t work and that once again, we aren’t pregnant. Heartbreak yet again. (I’m a little delayed posting this, my beta was Thursday AM PST.)
This is my second draft for this post. After re-reading my first post, I felt like I was giving up hope. And I really really really don’t want to give up hope.
But, I must be honest, I do have some real fears. Fear that IVF isn’t the solution to our trouble conceiving, fear that my body isn’t meant to bear children, and fear that we will have to decide what is next in life to becoming parents and wanting so badly to have children of our own.
Hubby and I are more than halfway through the Attain Refund Program. The Attain Refund Program is a program at fertility clinics where you pay a set amount for 3 fresh IVF cycles and 3 frozen cycles. If, after you have tried and not succeeded to get pregnant with the covered cycles, you get 70% of your money back. But really, is it any consolation? The thing is, you have to go through the program in a certain sequence-fresh, frozen, fresh, frozen, fresh, frozen.
Our first IVF cycle resulted with no embryos to freeze, so we had to forgo our first FET. We went through IVF #2 and just got the negative result for the FET following that fresh cycle, so now we only have 2 cycles left. I am scared……
Hubby and I are on our way to Kauai Hawaii, we were really hoping that this trip would be celebratory, but now we are hoping to relax and focus some much needed time on our relationships and selves. As many of you know, infertility can be all consuming and exhausting. My heart hurts and I hope a getaway to sunshine, salt breezes, and warm weather will help it heal. I know Hubby’s heart hurts just as bad and I hope I can hug him close and that we can help each other hold onto hope. Maybe I won’t be a Mom in the way I had visualized, but I know I can be a Mom in a way that is meant to be.
I’m going to hold onto my first post and read it to know where I don’t want to go. To that shadow of despair where you can barely find the light. I want to be hopeful……
